Friday, December 2, 2011, 7:17 AM
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I absolutely prefer Australian manufactured Tim Tams than locally produced ones. The chocolate is more savory and thick plus the cream in the middle is actually sweet. The local ones are just a total blah.
Anyway, the past few weeks I've been gathering myself back together to endure another round of college come January next year. After a month of graduating from high school, it has been two years of work, another two years of college and college with a part time job; relationship after relationship after relationship. Not to mention, dating and personal familial drama. I was single for at least half a year in between but sometimes I just want a whole year to myself to do what ever I want, go every place I've always I wanted to go no matter the financial aspect of it.
Can you blame me for feeling burn out and cranky all the damn time? As a result, I was overly sensitive and frankly, very irresponsible. My sister complained that I lost my sense of humor and get overly offended over a sarcastic joke. For three whole years. (That reminds me, I need to make a couple of phones calls to apologize.)
When he went off to NS, I felt free. I could do anything I like, no questions asked (most of the time). Although I do miss him, obviously, but sometimes you need your time basking away in solitude and regroup. Re-prioritize what is important to me right now and how it could accord to my future.
Thankfully, he understood that.
My mom, however, took a little convincing and a push. Can't blame her though.
I used those free moments to my advantage to be absolutely carefree: shopping, catching up on TV shows I've always wanted to watch but didn't have the chance, stalk people online, play Sims 3, stare into space, annoy the heck of my siblings, reconnect with my family, friends and finally, just rest.
I'm loving the result.
Also, it made me think. About a month ago, I was handling a personal education crisis when I had a conversation with an ex-classmate/pet brother. He has always been at the top of the class and our entire year so his parents sent him off overseas to the country down under. We've not been in contact for about a year beforehand but from what I've gather through his photos posted in the daily status updates, he was happy and living his life.
I was envious.
Weirdly, we reconnected over the fact that I was playing Sims Socials on Facebook of all things, and we catch up, the usual questions and answers. Then, I mentioned about how happy he always looks at the photos, starting a fury of 'stalking me!' types of responses and denials. That's when he dropped a bomber: his insecurities over things after college.
I know, everyone has their own problems and worries but it's so easy to think we're the only one facing these issues. Given how everyone's life look so full of life and happy, making me feel like I'm missing out on life. Everyone's doing their thing, traveling the world, acing their exams: they make it look so easy.
Yes, I've also read that Facebook gives people these misconceptions and feed to our doubts.
I'm a fucking worry wart, always worry and take no action. I read my past blog posts and they always seemed to have some kind of optimistic feel to it especially my last phrases of words like I'm writing a rock song or something. Yet, I never let myself think that. It's negativity all around.
What's I'm trying to say is, this revelation couldn't come at a better time.
It slapped the sense into me, which was what I needed. I'm stuck in this comfort zone for so long, I forget what is feels like to be genuinely happy. Not just 'okay-lah', like happy happy.
The aforementioned barbecue at a previous post opened my eyes but this event opened my mind.
I still have my insecurities. I still have my doubts. I still have my weakness.
I'm not saying I could actually fix my flaws immediately, nor in the next year or two. Nor can I say I would not go into another round of depression and anxiety.
But what I truly need to do is to stop being so hard on myself and others, in perspective. I need to stop complaining over my cursed shyness and the perceived notion that I can't talk to some groups of people because I can't find what to talk to them about or to afraid to offend them or even because of the stupid language barrier.
I am just being lazy, all I need to do is listen. Give my opinion when I think someone is actually being offensive and speak my mind if they cross over the line instead of whining and bitching why they are still doing it. Of course they are, I never let them know what I want or don't want. Nobody can read minds.
Okay. Slowly breathe.
Whoa. This is one heck of a post. The most honest I've been in public and to myself in twenty one years of my existence.
Will need a lot of pretty photos to balance this out.
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Labels: Random Babbles, Slice of life